Sunday, May 22, 2011

dear samsung

Dear Samsung SGH-t609,
I want to thank your creators for building at least one product that never quits.

My trusty little white cellphone, you will not give up.  Not after being dropped a zillion times, or being left in a car to bake in 120ยบ heat for hours, or having been chewed by a hungry labrador, or even that time you were run over by a pickup truck. No, not even after the final catastrophe: being dropped in a toilet. Needless to say, after that last incident, I'm afraid this time I will have to retire you, as no amount of disinfectant can get you clean enough. Please know I wish our relationship didn't have to end in such an undignified way. You see, I've been given a used Blackberry Curve as your replacement, and I will be missing you just as soon as I figure out how to use the #*&@!$% Blackberry.
Au revoir,

Sunday, May 15, 2011


photo borrowed from this site

Did you know that Judgement Day is scheduled for May 21, 2011?   On that date, it is believed by many that those who are True Believers will be physically transported to Heaven in the Rapture to be judged by God for their Good Deeds. The rest of us have already been deemed incorrigible and will be left behind to experience The End Of The World As We Know It. 

photo borrowed from these folks

This all sounds fine to me. However, I do have a few questions, like:
  • What time will the Rapture occur?   I'd really rather not be out on the road when all those True Believers are transported out of their cars to rise up to Heaven. 
  • Will dead people really rise from their graves first?   This could make one heckuva mess. 
  • When the Last Trumpet sounds to call all the faithful, what happens to the faithful who are deaf?   Maybe the Lord will have hand signals or flashing lights or something. 
  • What will happen to all the pets?
The last question really is valid. What will happen to all the poor pets who have no souls? Is there a doggie heaven? Could the faithful really leave their pets to perish in all good conscience?

*What Would Lassie Do?

These questions have been nagging at me, so I've looked into this matter, and I've found that there is actually an organization devoted solely to the care of pets left behind in the Rapture. It seems a group of dedicated animal lovers, who also happen to be confirmed card-carrying atheists, are offering to adopt (for a small fee, of course) the pets of Christians expected to be transported to Heaven.
Eternal Earth Bound Pets are currently active in 26 states, now including even Illinois and Iowa. Unfortunately, they are not equipped to to accommodate all species and limit their services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits and small caged mammals. (Sorry, no reptiles!) If you live in NH, VT, ID or MT, they can now also offer rescue services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys.
They do have a few conditions, such as:
  •  If  subscriber loses his/her faith and/or the Rapture occurs and subscriber is not Raptured (aka  is "left behind") EE-BP disclaims any liability; no refund will be tendered. 
  • Should a relative residing within the rescue location not be Raptured and opts to retain the pet(s), EE-BP will not take possession of the pet(s).  No refund will be tendered. 
So, now our Christian friends can be swept up in the Rapture with a clear conscience, knowing their beloved pets will be cared for... 

And me? Well, all I can say is, it's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure Eternal Earthbound Pets has never heard of me, and this is not an endorsement of their services.