february funk

February is one of those months in the dead of winter where everyone seems tired of the struggle. Of the unrelenting grey skies and cold, dark days that seem to lay like a heavy, damp blanket over our hopes and dreams and creativity. Everybody I talk to seems to be exhausted, worried, and tired of the daily struggle simply to survive. Just the attempt to verbalize these feelings leaves me exhausted and depressed, and I consider myself an optimist! 

So, I thought I'd look back to last year and see what I was feeling then, and I found this post in my drafts section that I'd never published:

Heads Up! (written February 17, 2008)


Duh. Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel actually is an oncoming train.
I've slowly come to the realization that for most of my life I've been unable to truly enjoy moments of happiness. I struggle every day with this issue, trying always to stay in the moment; or as Ram Dass so famously said: "Be Here Now." Problem is, I'm always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I don't quite understand why this is...maybe I have an overdeveloped prescient sense or something, or maybe everyone has it, but I just lack the natural ability to turn it off from time to time and simply enjoy.
Just this last week, I was going along, humming a happy little tune in my head, when the shit hit the fan in a very big way. (And I ask you: why the heck am I always standing in such close proximity?) Anyway, suffice to say, someone close to me experienced a very major and traumatic setback. I truly didn't know how to handle it, and certainly didn't see it coming. A part of me wishes that I could see this stuff building and know with certainty what's going to happen; which would at least dispense with the fear of the unknown, right? The rest of me, however, realizes that if that were to occur, I may have an even harder time enjoying those fleeting moments of pleasure, because I'd not only know that things are gonna get bad again, I'd know how and when.
I guess I'll just have to settle for being grateful I'm still limber enough to jump off the tracks before the train gets here.

Back to the present...

In retrospect, we're doing a lot better this year than in 2008. Everyone in my immediate family seems to be stable at the moment, although we have been embroiled in some deep and dramatic sadness involving an old and very dear friend who seems to be teetering on the edge of a gaping dark hole of heartache. My optimistic side sees a positive outcome in the long run, but at the moment it doesn't seem there's much I can do to help. 

So I suppose this February hasn't really been much improved, just different. It's still a struggle every day to be fully in the moment, and I try to concentrate on what I would like to have happen, and worry less about what might happen. I find myself savoring happiness in small bits, squirreling it away for later in case I need a reminder that life doesn't always suck.

And am I still waiting for the other shoe to drop? 

Yeah, but check out what I got on clearance at Lands End for $14.99. At least when the shoe does drop, it'll be a cute red one. Now pass me some chocolate, wouldya?