Tuesday, August 26, 2008

how to cope with junk mail

Thanks to my wanton spending habits fabulous credit rating, I receive tons of unsolicited credit card offers from companies like Capital One, American Express, Discover, Chase, and others every month. Frankly, it's beginning to piss me off. I've tried writing to them and calling them in an effort to stop the unnecessary destruction of millions of trees, to no avail. So, to keep from being buried alive, I've developed a strategy for clearing the decks and at the same time get a bit of satisfaction out of making them pay more for the privilege of asking me to allow them to help me purchase more useless crap I don't need and can't afford.

How to cope with junk mail in six easy steps

Step one: open envelope and remove all contents.

Step two: set aside postage paid return envelope. (Note that it's first class postage!)

Step three: tear remaining contents of envelope into tiny pieces.
(Don't forget the original envelope!)

Step three(a): I like to leave the section with my name intact, so they know who sent it...
but so far they haven't taken the hint. I'll get another offer from them tomorrow.

Step four: sprinkle tiny pieces liberally across desk.

Step five: carefully place all pieces into return envelope and seal.

Step six: disregard scary legal stuff on back of envelope; this is not directed at you. Note the customer locator code...this indicates that they will know who you are, just in case you insult them or something.

You're very welcome!

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