Wednesday, January 14, 2009

identity crisis, anyone?

I read an article in the Oregonian this morning about creative business titles--what people call themselves at work. (like manager, or secretary or president)  A receptionist at Umpqua Bank is "Director of Smiles", and Human Resources at the bank is known as the "Department of Cultural Enhancement". 

Over at Rogue Brewery, they get even farther out: one of the co-founders is known as "Chief Wisdom Officer", and brewpub managers are called "Directors of Culture, Commerce and Tourism" (except for the manager of the Eugene pub, who prefers "Director of Hoppy Goodness".) The business card of Linda Barclay, merchandising manager at Rogue, who's in charge of T-shirt, mug and all non-beer sales, sports the moniker "Queen of Trash and Flash".

Or how about the publicist who calls himself an "Ego Enhancement Consultant"?

Here are a few titles I'd like to see added to some famous business cards:

George W. Bush
Lame Duck

Dick Cheney
Lame Duck Hunter, 
Buckshot Division

Howard Stern
Pontificator of Pompous Trivialities

Bill O'Reilly
 Liberal Baiting Specialist

Martha Stewart
Despot of Decorating Dogma
Ben Bernanke
Spare Change Distributor

Joel Osteen
Spiritual Capitalist

Bill Clinton
Chief Inspector, 
Women's Anatomy Division

Sarah Palin
Archaic Paradigm Facilitator

Caroline Kennedy
Princess, Camelot Group

I could keep going on this subject all night! Got any good ones? What would yours be? 
And mine? Considering my overall job description here at Camp Cactus, it'd probably read:

Cactus Petunia
Benevolent Dictator


Avanti Avanti said...

I used to have on my business cards: Planetary Systems Analyst, and I do sometimes go by that.

It is my way of reminding people to think before leaping into the cultural concept that astrologers are fortune tellers, since astrologers are educated for years studying the planetary systems, and how they relate to the individual's moment of incarnation.

I love yours title, and I think it fits many moms around the world.

Flowersbyfarha said...

hmmm, I'll have to think about that ...

foolery said...

A favorite from "Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl":

In the Australian Philosophy Department sketch, when all of the Bruces are introduced and identified by the particular philosopher each one teaches at the university, the last Bruce is labeled "in charge of the sheep dip."

That's what I would like on my business card.