it's another monday holiday!

It has just come to my attention that today is a National Holiday. It's not in honor of a past President or Civil Rights activist, or Nobel Prize winner, or a religious observance, or a celebration of an event in history. It's not even what you might call a "Hallmark" holiday. It could be quite a Significant Day for some (many of them live in my house, and are observing the holiday as we speak) and just another Monday for others.  

 It's National Nap Day. 

So, because I myself am not of the Napping persuasion, I'm reposting something I wrote a couple of years ago that seems a fitting tribute. To all you Napping types, I wish you sweet dreams, and to the rest of you dear readers I say, "Rock on!" And I hope this post doesn't lull you off to dreamland, unless of course that's what you were hoping for...

Nap Quest

 I got into a conversation about napping the other day with a couple of friends.  I know this sounds simplistic, but after taking an informal survey of a decidedly small segment of the population (do four people qualify as a focus group?) I've since come to the conclusion that the world is divided up into nappers and non-nappers.

Non-napper types generally feel that sleeping during the hours we're supposed to be awake and productive is wasteful. Time spent napping could be better utilized doing something productive, like checking your facebook page  balancing the checkbook, or  reading blogs emptying the dishwasher.  They employ slogans such as "Sleep is for the weak", or "I'll have plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead", along with copious amounts of caffeine to get them through the day.

A typical non-napper type getting her caffeine fix.

Nappers are generally divided into three camps: the Unabashedly Laid Back,  Guilt-Ridden Snoozers, and Master Nappers. The ULB's talk of the restorative effects of the 15-minute Power Nap. They quote studies that support their theories, and insist that scientists at Harvard have determined that a midday snooze reverses information overload. (wikipedia)  

The Guilt-Ridden Snoozers, on the other hand, also believe in the benefits of napping but due to a childhood spent under the influence of parents who adopted a strict work ethic during the Great Depression, they find it difficult to nap with a clear conscience. A typical GRS can usually be spotted in the prone position with an open book, magazine or newspaper on his or her chest. If caught dozing off, they will insist, "I was just resting my eyes!"

photo borrowed from here

And the third category of napper? Master Nappers are those who have achieved the highest level of Napology. See photos below:

A true Master Napper can nap anywhere, at any time.

This is known in the trade as a Napportunity.

The training to become a Master Napper 

must begin at an early age

and is successful only if practiced on a regular basis.

 Another hallmark of the Master Napper is the Group Nap

where three or more Master Nappers
meet to practice in a warm and cozy place.

Synchronized Napping 

is a highly developed art form

practiced by teams of Master Nappers.

MN's take Nap Form very seriously

but are sometimes mistaken for Unabashedly Laid Back Nappers.

I hope this post has helped to illuminate the plight of all misunderstood Nappers (yawn!). As it is only through understanding and education that we can promote tolerance for all.

Now I really must go and get another cup of coffee, because I'm suddenly feeling very sleepy.... 

Happy National Nap Day!

martha doesn't live here

I love a well-run household. I have the greatest admiration for neatly organized and serene spaces where everything has a place, and everything is in its place.

Sometimes I dream of beautiful, clean, minimalist living rooms with all-white upholstery and freshly painted walls hung with a carefully curated art collection...

...Of kitchens designed to be beautiful and functional, all food stored in matching antique glass mason jars arranged artfully in antique wire trays and placed on earthy wood open shelving made from re purposed old-growth fir.

Years ago I was a devotee of the cult of Martha Stewart. I subscribed to The Magazine (archiving all the early issues, of course), watched The Television Show (eagerly awaiting for months the yearly Christmas Special) and hung on the Domestic Goddess' every pronouncement.

I actually believed I could do it all, just like Martha. I baked my own bread, sewed quilts for our beds, curtains for our windows, refinished tag sale furniture and made my own lamps, painted and rearranged and reorganized and once I even made my own wrapping paper. Of course I realize now that I was completely delusional. (More on that later.)

No one could ever measure up to Martha. She's larger than life. A living icon. A paragon of domesticity. She has Staff.

Comparing her to the Big Guy Upstairs, someone once said
Martha could have made the world in FIVE days:
Two Days to create staff,
Two Days to delegate,
and One Day to redo it all to Her standards.

To top it all off, the Domestic Goddess appears perfectly normal when you see Her in photographs. Well, mostly She does. Even Martha has days that don't go exactly according to Her plans.

But when that happens, She still manages to pull it together and makes sure everyone is at least color-coordinated.

She dotes on her animals, who apparently have such perfect manners (who would dare to misbehave?) that they are welcomed for dinner at the Plaza.

Although, some require a little tough love to let them know She's their mother.

Some say Martha has a dark side, but She says Herself that She cannot be destroyed.

Some have attempted to, but I wouldn't recommend it.

But I digress. I wanted to show that there can be Life After Martha. It's often not pretty, but at least it's real. And it can be accomplished with minimal staff. (Mostly of the four-legged variety)
Welcome to my post-Martha nightmare dream:

It may not live up to Martha's standards, but then...

just because you can, doesn't mean you should

Ann Romney wore this outfit
 on the Jay Leno show Wednesday night...

Clearly, she's trying to prove
 she can be one of the cool kids.
(The cool kids who live on the Jersey Shore)
 What's next? Tattoos?

what are you waiting for?

the rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated

Look, I know I haven't been around here much lately,

 but I've been quite busy working in the barn

on a special project with my friend Marilyn.

We decided to try and put on a show for the neighborhood,

kind of a cross between a circus act and a rodeo,

 but we had a hard time finding quality performers.

Here I am interviewing actors 

auditioning to play the part of the Knuckleheads

 in a semi-autobiographical sketch called "Dietary Indiscretions".

I guess the rehearsals got too loud for the neighbors,

 who also seemed to be somewhat irritated

 that we built a barn on their land.

Maybe the beads we traded for it 

weren't worth quite as much as we thought.

Unfortunately, the show folded after only one night,

but we had one hell of a wrap party.

Well, perhaps I did have one too many margaritas...

The next day Marilyn had the brilliant idea

 to hire ourselves out to direct traffic on Hollywood Boulevard.

 For some reason, there were quite a few accidents that day. 

Marilyn left for Cleveland yesterday to visit her friend Elvis, 

so things are pretty quiet around here at the moment.

They invited me to hang out with them next week.

Anyway, that's what I've been doing lately.

 Just thought you might like to know...

The other Jane Russell

1921 - 2011

Happy trails, cowgirl.

good enough for government work?

Yesterday I read an article in the paper about the 2010 Census, and how the country is gearing up for another official head count in the next few months. I thought it might be a good employment opportunity, so I set up an appointment to take the test for Field Employee positions this morning. Last night I took the practice test provided online to familiarize myself with the kinds of questions that would be asked.

They're about what you'd expect from a government document. Here's a sample:

(The instructions tell you to refer to a provided outline of a chapter from a census procedures manual in order to answer this question.)

23. Which section of the manual tells how supplies such as pencils, erasers, and paper clips should be stored?

A 2.D2

B 2.D3

C 2.D5

D 2.H2

The correct answer is 2.D3, the section on "Storing small items".

Yup. It's government work all right.

No detail escapes attention.

There are even Official 2010 Census Government Pencils (No. 2 1/2) to use on the test.

Clearly, being a Census Enumerator is a Very Important Job.

I scored a 95 this morning...I'll let you know if that's good enough for government work.

my brain is on empty.

I'm blocked. The lights are on, but nobody's home. I presume my one or two readers have noticed, but have been (ahem) too polite to say. I've been a little preoccupied lately, but I promise I'll try to spill some stuff soon. Once the cobwebs have been swept out of my nearly empty brain...does anybody know where I put the dust mop?

identity crisis, anyone?

I read an article in the Oregonian this morning about creative business titles--what people call themselves at work. (like manager, or secretary or president)  A receptionist at Umpqua Bank is "Director of Smiles", and Human Resources at the bank is known as the "Department of Cultural Enhancement". 

Over at Rogue Brewery, they get even farther out: one of the co-founders is known as "Chief Wisdom Officer", and brewpub managers are called "Directors of Culture, Commerce and Tourism" (except for the manager of the Eugene pub, who prefers "Director of Hoppy Goodness".) The business card of Linda Barclay, merchandising manager at Rogue, who's in charge of T-shirt, mug and all non-beer sales, sports the moniker "Queen of Trash and Flash".

Or how about the publicist who calls himself an "Ego Enhancement Consultant"?

Here are a few titles I'd like to see added to some famous business cards:

George W. Bush

Lame Duck

Dick Cheney

Lame Duck Hunter, 

Buckshot Division

Howard Stern

Pontificator of Pompous Trivialities

Bill O'Reilly

 Liberal Baiting Specialist

Martha Stewart

Despot of Decorating Dogma

Ben Bernanke

Spare Change Distributor

Joel Osteen

Spiritual Capitalist

Bill Clinton

Chief Inspector, 

Women's Anatomy Division

Sarah Palin

Archaic Paradigm Facilitator

Caroline Kennedy

Princess, Camelot Group

I could keep going on this subject all night! Got any good ones? What would yours be? 

And mine? Considering my overall job description here at Camp Cactus, it'd probably read:

Cactus Petunia

Benevolent Dictator