unsolicited advice...

To the thoughtful neighbor(s) who left me this note on the windshield of my car today in the pouring rain:

Thank you SO MUCH for your helpful suggestion. I will attend to it IMMEDIATELY.

Anything else you'd like me to attend to while I'm at it? Perhaps the color of my house is not to your liking?

And I really do appreciate you leaving the note on my car instead of knocking on my door and telling me in person. My psychiatrist says I need to avoid confrontation because I have serious anger management issues, even though I hardly ever act on my violent impulses.

Now, if you could excuse me, I must go fertilize my dandelions.

Your slightly disgruntled neighbor,

Petunia

who says it's a jobless recovery?

Sounds exciting!

who ARE these people?

A random sampling of names and subject lines in my email spam folder:

• Ajay Aguilar    Find your Russian soul-mate
• Aldrich Berry    Delivery confirmation
• Abdullah Chambers    Turn your bedroom life into a volcano of pleasure
• Alexio Dawson    Your wife needs your attention? Solve all the problems with IT.

photo borrowed from here

And there are more:

• Alic Abbott wants to know about my Hall of Shame. (Don't worry, Alic-when I get nominated, I'll send you an invitation)
  
• Abdul Bennett wants me to impress my girlfriend tonight. (My girlfriends are already impressed that I actually know someone named Abdul)
  
• Abbe Cortez wants to know if I'm the guy who cannot make love. (Nope, not me...I'm not even a guy)
  
• Alfy Dawson says, "How about a Russian bride?" (No thanks, not today)
  
• Abie Davis, Abrahan Barnes and Adamo Chapman  are offering Swiss-branded watches. (Sorry, fellas--I only wear Chinese watches)
  
• Adolph Dennis  says I can choose my own price. (On what? Swiss watches?)
  
• Christian Dating  wants to help me find the one. (Christian, honey--I've already found him.)
  
• Faye Yan  says I can incerase my value with a University Dip1oma/Degree/Masteer MBA with NO STUDY and NO TEST! (Faye's spell check program seems to be on the fritz)
  

And then there's this guy:

Alden Ball

IT Consultant of Perfect Lovemaking Art

It just goes to show, there's a perfect job for everyone in this world.

how to cope with junk mail

Thanks to my wanton spending habits fabulous credit rating, I receive tons of unsolicited credit card offers from companies like Capital One, American Express, Discover, Chase, and others every month. Frankly, it's beginning to piss me off. I've tried writing to them and calling them in an effort to stop the unnecessary destruction of millions of trees, to no avail. So, to keep from being buried alive, I've developed a strategy for clearing the decks and at the same time get a bit of satisfaction out of making them pay more for the privilege of asking me to allow them to help me purchase more useless crap I don't need and can't afford.

How to cope with junk mail in six easy steps

Step one: open envelope and remove all contents.

Step two: set aside postage paid return envelope. (Note that it's first class postage!)

Step three: tear remaining contents of envelope into tiny pieces.
(Don't forget the original envelope!)

Step three(a): I like to leave the section with my name intact, so they know who sent it...
but so far they haven't taken the hint. I'll get another offer from them tomorrow.

Step four: sprinkle tiny pieces liberally across desk.

Step five: carefully place all pieces into return envelope and seal.


Step six: disregard scary legal stuff on back of envelope; this is not directed at you. Note the customer locator code...this indicates that they will know who you are, just in case you insult them or something.

You're very welcome!